Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Personal Blog:: The Calm Never Comes for someone like me. 2/15/11

Well I have been taking awhile to add to the last personal blog I had.  Well I guess this is my attempt to continue.  I have during the past days been thinking long and hard.   I have had some tears shed and some fond memories come to light.  Thinking of my dad is such a hard thing.  Cause I hated him, hated him so much.  But then I also had love for him.  I say "had" cause he is dead.  Believe me when it happened it was bitter sweet.

This man, my father, was an abusive alcoholic drunk.  But he is the only father I had so he was my role model.  The man I was to look up too for protection, love, care, and compassion. But he was far from and close to it all at the same time.  I naturally loved him and wanted and needed his love in return.  I know he loved me, I know it to core of my bones.  But it is hard to love a cactus with an extra prickly jacket.  For many years I always thought that love was my father giving me a drinking smile and a goodnight.  My thought of marriage was my mom and dad yelling at each other.  Plus him blaming her for all his problems.  I would cry myself to sleep hearing him yelling at her and pushing her around.  I would hear fist to flesh and sobbing and begging.  Hearing this a week at a time was very stressful for me.

The only time I felt safe was when I was huddled in the corner of my closet holding my dog henry.  He is my best friend and survivor of my many years of ordeal.  Many nights he would hug me a tell me it was going to be alright.  He was my anchor in a never ending storm.

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