Saturday, February 8, 2014

Personal Blog:: To Do... - 01/30/14 Part 1

Today I want to talk about the things I have been trying to get done. First of all making the “To Do List”. It may seem simple but I haven’t really accomplish doing that.  Sometimes I feel like I’m insignificant, kind of like the experimental rat. What I mean by that statement is, apparently I have always had D.I.D., Disassociate Identity Disorder. It only came out in April of 2013 that this was going on. I won’t go into great detail about what happened, um I think I have already written a blog about it. But I woke up this morning and for some reason I am super sore. My thighs hurt, my legs hurt, my back hurts, my shoulders hurt and even my hands hurt. I have no clue what I did this past week. And that is really a fitting statement. I don’t know if a lot of you know, but with D.I.D., Disassociate Identity Disorder. You have different people living inside of you, and I have a group of individual personalities and they all, I guess they all want to do stuff, they want to be part of the world and it is kind of hard, seeing that I’m trying to do my regular stuff. And then they’re taking over and doing the things that they want to do. And it’s not even something that I want do. 

And they buy things sometimes and then the next thing I know the mad money that I have is all gone and it turns out that they just bought candy and treats.  I know that they all mean well, and even the one that I’m kind of worried about, and she even means well.  Even though that his has happened in my life, and it hasn’t been a year yet, I’m making the change. I mean made the change but I’m coming to terms with having this as part of my life from now on. I have been trying to cope, make a game plan. I don’t talk to them because obviously they are all in me. But my husband talks to them when they do make themselves known and my daughter talks to them, and my daughter seems to know more about them then Jimmy.  It’s really quite fascinating, each alter has there very unique personality. Each alter is also from a time in my past and I can see how they became who they are. All they want to do is all go back inside and work together as a team, but because of things that happened, it ended up splitting them all up and making it harder for them not to understand why this is. I think without them I am defiantly not me. I am Charly but without them being there working together they truly do make up my life. 

Sometimes I am very irritated with them seeing that they, what I call “Hijacking”, they hijack my body anytime that they feel like it. And they will go do things that they feel like doing. And I have actually been very lucky that they also do the things that I’m supposed to. It’s kind of like “well, if we take over her body we need to do the chores that she was assigned.” Not every single time they do it. I have been pleasantly surprised that the grocery shopping got done or two loads of laundry got done. Or one of them cooked dinner. I was talking to my therapist and he said “that all these alters are there because they are trying to help you. And the best way they know how is within their mind frame.” So when I start to get stressed or fearful or worried, one of them will come to the rescue and try to help me get thru the day by just taking over completely. Now this really something I don’t want them to do, I want them to help me, as in guide me, but not take over my life. One of the other things that I really don’t like, besides the hijacking, is that they take over almost most of the day and maybe I don’t get to do that quality time with my family in the evenings I lose out on those memories.  (To Be Continued) 

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