Sunday, February 9, 2014

Personal Blog:: Trauma, always trauma... - 2/01/14 Part 3

Now I have separate personalities for each different of my life.  I am not upset I have this, I’m just sad that it has happened and from what I understand only 2% of people out of a billion have this and I guess I am one of them. And it only happens when children suffer a lot of trauma when they are at a very young age and I know that I have had a lot of trauma, a lot of near misses with my father being an alcoholic.  He made me feel worthless, he made me feel like I couldn't do anything right. He was a very smart man, he was very smart. He knew Chemical Engineering, he knew Organic Chemistry, Chemistry Mechanical engineering and a few of the other engineering’s. 

Growing up with him just being so involved with knowledge it made me feel less worthy to be his daughter. Now that I’m older and he’s not alive anymore I still unfortunately have that feeling I will never live up to what he wants. Then again I don’t ever want to live up to his level, where he has to be abusive and get his way and make other people feel miserable. Even though I haven’t finished college and I’m a few classes away, I’m happy that I accomplished as much as I have done. I’m happy that I have a wonderful child and I have a good husband and a good ex-husband. Things didn't part horrifically there are still some issues but he knows I love him and that he is very important in my life. Without him I wouldn't have my daughter. I just feel that things are… even the different roads I took they still come back to one thing that I’m grateful for, and the situations that I have been put in. It was really hard for me to get to the point “I’m grateful for the situations, and ordeals, and the problems and the heart ache to get to this point” I am grateful and I’m sadden but I think it has given me a very unique personality and I know lots of people say that they like my personality that I’m funny and I’m interesting and I have a lot of childlike characteristics. 

I guess I never had a childhood sometimes I wish I didn't miss out on it. So every day I try to have humor, have something interesting and something fun going on. I’m just trying to recapture my youth. I’m trying to become a better person then my father and what my father wanted of me. So just remember that things can be very hard, but you make the best of what you do in that situation. You do the best you can and don’t give up because people love you even though maybe someone is hurting you other people love you and they care for you. Just remember that Heavenly Father does love you and he does want the best for you and he’s really the only person you need to try and fashion your life around. Well I will leave you guys with that message and hopefully I will do another blog again tomorrow. My goal is to do a blog a day well every other day so have a good night and if you know of any other readers that would love to read these journal entries, please let them know. Have them follow me, and if you would like to leave comments that would be awesome. I would love to talk to whoever you are, whatever your problem is I would like to be there to talk to you about it, maybe I have had similar situations. Just leave a comment or email. Have a good day.

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