Thursday, May 14, 2015

Personal Blog: Why can't I know what I can do?

I know I'm not really a great writer and I don't have the capability of keeping this blog up to date. Tonight I went to see the Avengers: The Age of Ultron. I'm a really huge fan of comic book heroes. Growing up I always idolized "The Hulk", something about him was always interesting to me. He had two sides to his persons. One was a nice guy that just wants to do something good for the world and the other a being that wants to destroy everything in his path. I think now that I am older and have the knowledge of having multiple alters I can relate more on a grander scale. I get reports from people that one did this and the other did that. Sometimes I will go into a store and whoever works behind the counter know me. I always have to go with the flow. Before I would claim over and over that I had no clue who they were. Once again, I can now understand. Many things that have happened to me over the years have become more understandable. I am in no way saying I'm 100% good, in fact the complete opposite. I just know of the things that I have done from others peoples accounts have to be in some way true. I don't believe them sometimes. Like running into a burning building to save a dog and a boy. I have no recall on it. What really bothers me sometimes is when I hear from others that the alters are all friends and they all they know who did what. Why can't I be privy to that. How come they all can sit around and chat about the things they did as if they were all in battle and they shared war stories? I want to be apart of that, I want to be in the know. How come I have so many personalities but yet still feel so alone? The only times that I have actually feel part of the group is when they write to me in a journal. We chat about ideas they have and I tell them what I think. In reality I don't need to tell them what I think cause they already know. Like I said, why can't I be privy to that info? I sometimes think to myself I'm not special or unique, my alters are. I'm just a vessel for them to travel in. I don't have interaction with them like my family does. I have a burden of not ever knowing what it is like. People on the outside are lucky to see and chat with them. I sometimes think, "am I an alter"?

1 comment:

  1. Hi! Thanks for your cool post. My fiance also has DID. His therapist has helped him achieve co-consciousness. You may have heard of this. It's when both he and another alter can experience life together. He's gotten pretty advanced with it now. He can play video games with some of his "littles" and they usually listen to his instructions now. He still has times where alters do stuff he doesn't remember, but it happens less often now.

    When we first met, his alters ran his life. In fact, we became close because one of his littles (a 6 year old) ran into my arms when scared. But he's been seeing a trauma specialist for 1.5 yrs now and is doing worlds better. Thank you for posting openly about this. There are so many people who claim fake on this experience and it's infuriating, especially as someone who has shared a life with my fiance and over 30 alters every day for over two years.