Sunday, July 12, 2015

D.I.D. always seems to mess up my relationships. I Hate it!!

My parents were both Navajo and I'm probably one of the rare few 100% Navajo's around. I was born to a father that was very full of turmoil. He had an abused childhood and because of it his spirit was broken and distorted. For him to function to adulthood he drank at a young age, then he continued to drink. He drank so much it was like water. I remember the very earliest memories just recently and they were memories that were so horrible I still can't believe it. Before the age of 5 I was close to death about 8 times. I recently gain my memories thru means that are still unbelievable to me. I with all certainly think to myself that it is a big joke being played on me. But time has gone by and I know that it is true and I have accepted it. I have D.I.D. (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and it is very unusual and something I never thought I would have. I am now on my 2nd year of dealing with this life change. With DID I have multiple personalities and they show up when they feel like it.  I usually am the one here all the time but sometimes I get kicked out and am not running my life anymore. It is very surreal and very upsetting at times. In fact I have a problem of finding out that I did things that I am super surprised that I did. I remember when I first found out I thought it was a very cruel joke. I was told I was gone for a whole week and that didn't seem right. I felt the blood run out of my face and I had a sickening feeling in my chest. I then couldn't breath and my body felt weak. My thoughts were "my life is over". I can't recover from this. How am I going to live now. What has been going on? Why did this happen? What did I do for this to happen? Am I going to lose my daughter? My marriage?  What does DID mean? I think I cried for about 35 minutes just uncontrollably. I felt like a mouse in the middle of a snake cage. It was just a matter of time before I was dead. 

I was then told what I had done for the week I wasn't there. Another personality named Henry was there. I guess Henry is the original and first alter. He is the leader and has the final say on what is going on. She doesn't really have a personality and is very vanilla I guess. I then found out that she did the best to keep the house moving along while I was gone. Then the final blow came when I found out why Henry had to be here while I was in a dark room. I guess when I was very young I remembered something so terrible that I tried to kill myself. Henry had to step in and put me in a state of sleep and do the best of making me forget the event. As she put it, "scrub the memory out". Well Henrietta "Henry", wrote a sort of journal about the events that had happened while I was gone. When she was trying to be a mom she had a very interesting way of doing things. My daughter I guess knew something was off about me. She wasn't an alter that had been around very often.  This time she was thrown into my life and tried to do what she remembered from TV shows in the 70's. I guess she tried to dance and do things she thought moms did. But clearly we aren't in the 70's and Natalie is a bit smarter than that. She was very impressed with how things had changed in the world and was also impressed at how much Natalie had grew from when she peaked in and saw her when she was born.

The strange thing about this is I had no clue this was happening all this time. Now brace yourself, it has been happening since I was 4 or 5. Now it turns out that when Henry was created another was created on the same day. So 2 alters were born together and they are named Henrietta and Marley. The reason they came to be is another heart stopper. My father had pinned me against the wall and pressed me upwards on the wall then started to squeeze my neck. He watched me struggle to breath, he watched me lose oxygen to my body. He watched me slowly stop struggling and succumb to my fate. Well my fate wasn't to die, it was to come to that feeling of losing conscience over and over. Henry described that when I released my last breath a spark happened and when I drew breath back into my lungs they were born. I'm still amazed at this moment in time. Such a strange development. Well after that I couldn't speak, I couldn't speak for about 5 weeks. Because of the situation we were poor and had no insurance. My mom was sad to think that my dad hurt my vocal cords and cause me to not speak again. The next part is equally amazing. Marley decided to give me her voice. I of course have no idea that I had alters. When I heard about this I was overwhelmed. Marley came to our group of alters about 6 months ago and she cannot speak, she only signs. I have had an obsession to sign since I was very young. I'm assuming it was because of the events with my father. 

Lots of things seem to be making more sense now that I have gotten to know the alters. Being grown up I had a very hard time remembering certain events from my past. Well now that the alters don't need to hide anymore, I have been getting certain memories back. It has been a very eye opening time. I have learned about myself from areas of extreme despair. My thoughts about it make me see that my alters have been protecting me all this time and that they are just here to protect me from things they think that I can't handle.

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