Wednesday, December 6, 2017

My timeshare that is my life

Sometimes I wish I could just stop the world and relax somewhere hidden. Some place that no one could find me. I have thought about running away and living in a tree. But my alters won't allow that to happen. I really want it just to be me, and me alone. I don't want to lose time, I don't want to sit around and say pity me. I think at times my life is going in a weird direction. People are usually going forward, upward and onward. But for me I'm just trying to understand how to move in a straight line. My alters are interesting, each is very unique in there own way. I just hate when I'm in the middle of a tug a war match. BTW, I don't even know this struggle is going on. I could be having a relaxing time watching a movie and then zap I'm in the middle of Walmart. I guess to put it in simple terms, I am my own timeshare. Even though I own the place, I don't get special privileges or rights. In fact it sometimes seem like I'm a burden for them. But you know what, if it wasn't for me you wouldn't have this place called Charly.
When I first started to cope with D.I.D. I thought it would be good for us to set some ground rules. The only problem with that was me thinking this was all one big prank. I kept thinking this isn't true, I'm making myself look like a big idiot. But I couldn't deny the whole being zap to another part of Utah. That one would be hard to explain. As time went on I started to except the diagnosis. I have been losing time for a long while. And this would defiantly explain many small things.
Let me break it down for you all. I am a survivor of an alcoholic father. He was abusive, mean, violent, and verbal. I have been dealing wh some issues from my childhood. The issues aren't that easy to push aside. Which is what I would normally do. But no matter what I do to keep them from creeping back in hasn't helped. I'm now at a wall that I can't get over. I see it and look at it but I can't seem to get over it so I can move forward. My father is the source of all the trials I came to face. He didn't give me a very good road to start on.   I know he says he is the way he is cause of how he grew up. And the stories I hear are really pretty bad. But he survived his ordeal, don't you think he should know what that pain felt like? Doesn't he think, "I will not do the same to my own children that has been done unto me?". I guess not since I have D.I.D. today. The thoughts are plenty, and most of them go thru my mind daily. Even today, now that my father is gone, I don't have the comfort to be able to think to myself, "Things are now going to be better".
The faithful day came and my father had passed away. I had so many mixed emotions that I had no clue if I was come or going. The entire ordeal was very numbing. You would think the day that I had prayed for had come, my father died. He was gone and I didn't have to deal with his crap anymore. But then I see my mom crying and there is nothing I can do to help her deal with the lose of a man that made our lives unbearable. How do you tell someone that life is going to be better now. Things will look up! She has been dependent of him all of there marriage. Without him her life was nothing. She is a very strong women and can hold her own but for some reason she can't move anywhere without him. Now that he has been gone for over 14 years she has been able to rebuild her life for the better. For a time I was very worried about her, she had become suicidal.

5 comments:

  1. Disorders are like demons, they never let you live in peace. You have survived a lot, and the scars are too deep to heal. I hope the gods watch over you and your daughter. If you ever need someone to
    talk, I'm here.

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